Friday, September 19, 2008

Peeing Epic Part 2

As I mentioned before, peeing my pants has unfortunately not been an uncommon occurance in my life thus far. Describing each episode would take much too long (and totally ruin the comedic value of all the stories), so I've decided to highlight two of the most spectacular occurances here. Next time in my concluding epic, I will describe in detail the most recent, and possibly the most entertaining, peeing accident yet.

Many times when I have lost bladder control, I was able to cleverly hide it from any possible witnesses (i.e. "falling" into a puddle before my friend could turn around to see the incriminating wet streak running down my jeans) but then there are times when the urge to relieve myself comes on so suddenly and I am in such a public place, that there is no shielding myself from public humiliation.

I was a junior in high school and was standing next to my car waiting for the tank to fill when, without warning, pee started gushing out of my bladder. I immediately hunched over and clamped my legs together and then after taking a deep breath, I hobbled as quickly as possible inside the 7-11. I didn't see any restroom signs and so I frantically asked the cashier where the bathroom was. She was busy helping a customer and distractedly told me there was not a public restroom. And so I reacted how any (in)sane person would...I jumped up and down in frustration, waved my arms around and yelled "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!" My mature way of handling the situation must have really impressed the clerk. She looked at me with eyes bugging and quickly pointed to the back room. I raced back there, but unfortunately by then most of my bladder had already emptied. And so after a pathetic attempt to clean myself up, I took a deep breath and braced myself, like a prisoner walking to their execution, and with a much quieter air about me, I slunk out of the store with downcast eyes.

As a freshman in college, I lived on the 7th floor of the on-campus dorms. The basement of the building was the location of the laundry room and all of the vending machines, so I spent a decent amount of time down there. There was not a bathroom in the basement (very poor planning on the designer's part if you ask me!) and so I had several close calls down there that year. One evening I was browsing the different snack options in the vending machines and without warning I. Needed. To. Pee. VERY BADLY! The physical need was so strong, in fact, that my body involuntarily flung itself against the machine hard enough to knock a candy bar loose. I knew I needed to find a bathroom pronto, but the elevator in the building was way old and way slow, so I decided instead of going up 7 floors, I would instead just go up 1 to the lobby. In my panicked state, my mind forgot one vital piece of information. Our dorms were not co-ed, and boys were not allowed on any of the upper floors and so in the evenings the lobby would flood with young women from my dorm and their friends and suitors of the opposite sex. If I had remembered this, I probably would have just risked the long elevator ride. Instead, I stumbled out of the elevator and stupidly hopped/ran to the bathroom with my thighs clenched and pee escaping with every lurch while about 3,000,000 pairs of eyes gawked at me. After I finished my business, I had to walk past all of the witnesses again to go back to the elevator.

As if that walk of shame wasn't bad enough, when I got up to my floor, I headed towards my room at the end of the hallway trying to be inconspicuous so none of my floor-mates would notice me. My friend Carri spotted me and started calling my name. I ignored her, as my uncomfortably damp spirit (and pants) was priority over whatever she needed from me. This just made her mad so she started really yelling my name. I finally whipped around and yelled back, "I can't talk to you right now, I have to go change because i just PEED MY PANTS!" That shut her up.

I just re-read what I have written today, and after reviewing it and my other stories, as well as all the stories I have yet to tell (not just about peeing, but about everyting ridiculous in my life), I just realized that maybe it is not such a puzzle after all why I am 25 and still not married. Oh well, I may be alone, but at least I'm not boring! Until next time...

1 comment:

amber and cody said...

LOL, oh Jess you are never gonna make it through pregnancy! I never had an "accident" in my pants until I got pregnant- I feel for you, it is NOT fun! just carry a water bottle with you at all times so you can "accidentally" spill "water" on your pants if you have to :) thanks for sharing, i never get tired of reading your blog!