I promise I actually do have a good, sophisticated, witty sense of humor. But sometimes I get carried away, and my humor takes a downward spiral into “potty humor.” The kind where farting, burping and saying naughty words makes me giggle uncontrollably. During my senior year of high school, I went through a phase where I thought snorting super loud like a pig was SO funny. (p.s. I blame my girlfriends, especially Mel, for encouraging this ridiculous behavior every chance they got just because it made me look like an idiot. When I look back, I’m pretty sure that everyone was laughing heartily AT me and not with me.) Anyways, I started doing this thing that I called my Seductive Snort, which is easier to demonstrate than to describe but I’ll do my best.
You know how sometimes when someone is being sexy, they pretend to be a tiger or cougar or something? They raise one shoulder as their chin dips towards it and then pushes back out, and their hand comes up in a human claw and swipes the air as they let out a hearty “RAWWWWR.” And their eyes kind of squint and their lips kind of purse. Go ahead, try it right now so you can picture what I’m talking about…
Ok, now that you have that image in your mind, just picture me doing that, except for instead of growling like a large feline, I snort super long and loud and the dipping and raising of my chin is super dramatic. That was my Seductive Snort, and I did it on a regular basis.
I was in Jazz Choir that year, which meant that we were constantly traveling around the state to perform in various choir festivals and competitions. Our choir had to wear a uniform of sorts – the boys in suits with purple ties, the girls in black slacks and purple button up blouses. Sadly, my weight, which had remained steady throughout high school, started creeping up my senior year and so by the end of the year, that blouse wasn’t the most comfortable item of clothing I owned. I didn’t want to buy a new one so I just sucked in and made it work.
In the spring, our Jazz choir competed in an important festival and we won third place overall. We had worked really hard that year and doing well, combined with our time together on the bus and in our hotel rooms had put us all in really good moods. As we were waiting to get on the bus to take us home after the competition, I saw all the boys in choir and our drummer and bass player (yeah, we were awesome enough to have a back up band, haha) standing in a circle in the parking lot. I was very hyper and immediately saw the perfect opportunity to show off my Really Hilarious Seductive Snort. It would be especially funny because I was doing it for all those boys, instead of for my usual audience of girls. I grabbed my friend Amy by the arm and we waltzed right up to the circle of 8 or so boys. I was really good friends with the guys, and that combined with my adrenaline rush resulted in a Jessica with no reservations, which is almost always a dangerous thing.
“Hey you guys!” I said loudly to grab their attention. “When I do THIS, does it seduce you?”
Then I did my loudest, longest, most dramatic Seductive Snort to date. Right after, I stood there with my chin and chest pushed out and looked around to catch their expressions. I was totally laughing but no one else said anything as several seconds ticked by. This is never a good sign. Suddenly, my friend Amy jumped towards me saying, “Um, Jessica you…” then she just grabbed my shoulders and turned me around.
I glanced down after I was facing the opposite direction and then saw it. My vigorous snort had caused the buttons on my ill-fitting blouse to pop open. I hadn’t discovered undershirts yet, and although I was wearing a bra, it didn’t cover much due to the thrusting forward of my head and chest. I should have been mortified, but I was still on an adrenaline high so I just grabbed Amy’s hand and ran away laughing hysterically.
Later, the embarrassment hit. But I really loved all those guys and did not want to feel awkward around them for the rest of the year. So in choir the next Monday, I mustered up the courage to turn to Mark who had stood next to me the entire year in both Concert Choir and Jazz Choir. I brought up The Incident from the weekend and as we talked I was appalled to find out that the guys had discussed it afterwards and they all thought that I had flashed them on purpose. I asked Mark why on earth they would think that, and he reminded me that beforehand I did not say anything about a snort, but I had clearly asked, “When I do THIS does it seduce you?” The next thing they knew, they were getting an eyeful of my chest which does tend to seduce most guys. I had to go around individually to each of the boys and make sure they knew that flashing them had NOT been my intention that day.
For obvious reasons, I retired the Seductive Snort after that. I should have also retired the story surrounding it but, as this blog obviously shows, a good story always trumps feelings of embarrassment and so it remains one of my favorites to tell to this day.