Being Cool is Harder than You Think

When I was in the second or third grade, the “cool” kids were all getting digital watches. Our playground activities suddenly consisted of anything that could be timed with the little stopwatch feature on the watches. Races, holding our breath, hopping up and down on one leg…you get the idea. I really wanted a digital watch of my own so that I too could start timing an endless amount of awesome things just like all the popular kids were doing.

I went to the store one afternoon with my dad and convinced him to buy me a plastic watch that was awesome because:
- it was pink
- it was water resistant
- IT HAD A TIMER!
I remember thinking I must have been pretty slick to get my dad to buy that amazing watch for me, but looking back I bet the watch cost maybe $6, and the price tag actually did all the talking for me.

So I went home with my new treasure and proceeded down to our basement. I was all alone and sat brainstorming how I could christen the timer feature on my watch. Sadly, one little girl all alone indoors doesn’t actually have a lot of options and coming up with something was harder than I thought it would be. But, I was as awesomely random then as I am now so I finally came up with what I thought was a great idea:

Spinning.

That’s right…going around and around in small circles as fast as I could without falling down. So I excitedly pushed all the necessary buttons, braced myself in the middle of the room and pressed “start.” I spun and spun and spun. I wondered as I spun if there was a world record for this. If so, I was sure to beat it right then in my basement. Thoughts of all the fame that would come my way after I was published in the next edition of “Guinness Book of World Records” kept me motivated to keep on keepin’ on.

After what seemed like at least an hour had passed (I never cheated and looked at the watch…it would ruin the surprise!) I figured I had the record in the bag so I pressed the stop button and collapsed on our couch. I let the anticipation build for a minute, then I slowly brought my wrist up to eye level. 19:37 was displayed on the screen.

I was disappointed for about thirty seconds, and then the nausea hit. I lay curled up in a fetal position for the rest of the night, clutching my aching stomach. When my dad came down to check on me, he just shook his head when I told him why I was so sick. I’m pretty sure he flat out told me I was somewhat retarded. It was a miserable night. Looking back, what I should have timed was how many hours my stomach cramped and rolled AFTER the spinning. I surely would have won that particular world record.

This is one of many tales from my life illustrating my awesome ability as a little girl to observe the latest fad, jump on the bandwagon, and then turn the fad into the lamest and nerdiest thing ever. So nowadays if you see me turning my nose up at the newest, coolest thing, just know that my snootiness is actually self-defense because I know better than anyone how nerdy and incapable of cool I actually am.