Impressing a Hot Guy: Jessica at Age 8

So, speaking of trying to be cool… along with never quite being able to follow the latest fads, I’ve also always sucked the big one when it comes to trying to impress boys. Especially cute ones. One of the most traumatic attempts to catch a boy’s attention took place the summer before third grade. (I just now almost wrote “happened to me” instead of “took place,” but sadly, I was the sole cause of the ridiculous moment and cannot claim victimhood in any way.)

My family had a membership at the local neighborhood pool and I spent all day everyday there in the summer. One time, I spent the night at a friend’s house and then we went to the pool together. When we left to go back to her house to eat lunch, we ran into a cute boy named Jason on the sidewalk. He was the most popular boy in our class the year before, with big dark brown eyes, an olive complexion and beautiful silky brown hair. He was mostly talking to my friend and ignoring me. This was typical (and still is to this day). I’ve never been able to capture a boy’s attention with my stunning looks, especially when there are other females around, however I have always been able to use my quick wit to make sure I’m not completely overlooked. My window of opportunity to make an impression on Jason was quickly closing and I racked my brain for an attention-grabber.

“Oh man, this will be SO funny!” I thought to myself.

I interrupted their conversation and said, a little louder than was necessary, “Hey you guys, watch this!” Then I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and lifted it up to my chin to “flash” them, but the FUNNY part was that I had my bathing suit on underneath. Get it? So I wasn’t actually flashing anything but latex or whatever bathing suits are made out of. I was such a clever and witty little girl.

At least that’s what I thought until I saw that instead of Jason’s eyes squinting because of his laughter, they were bulging in astonishment. Then I felt the breeze and looked down to see that somehow when I was changing, I had missed one of the bathing suit arm straps and it was dangling down by my belly. Which meant that my right booblet was exposed for everyone to see.
He never talked to me again throughout elementary school. Actually, after what happened that was a relief for me.

So in my case, at least in the summer before third grade, flashing nipples was NOT an effective way to catch the guy.

I am so awesome.